Disappointment with Lili, and sleep issues as usual

I am writing right now at 4 am because I am confused and lonely. I miss Lili a lot, and mostly it is the thought of Lili and I not being together that is making me so miserable. I know, I know…I can someday find someone else…but what if I don’t want to? I already know I love her, and it hurts that we have decided not to be together; that she won’t talk to me anymore. I am very confused, and I don’t really have anyone to talk to who understands. Luckily I have Norah, but she doesn’t really understand completely because she is stronger than me and can move on easier than I can. Every day I get up and go to the record shop, and have an amazing time designing and constructing it…but it saddens me to know that Lili has no interest in it, and that I have to go it alone. Owning and running the shop and the music business with her would have been my dream. We could have spent every day at the store together, and every weekend at the club. This shop is going to propel my music career through the artists that Craig and I are meeting…but it makes me so disappointed that this will happen to me and no to “us”…

Just a note so I remember why I am way out of whack: I woke up at 11 am Tuesday morning…and went to sleep at 11PM on Wednesday night…36 hours straight. Still it didn’t help me reset my messed up internal clock…I am up at 4am right now again. This is so frustrating when all I want is to be able to get up at a decent hour and get my day started….grrrr. Doubtful that I’ll ever sleep like a normal person.